You Don't Intimidate Me But You do
We’ve gone on at length here on these interwebs conversating about the fact that for all intensive purposes, most women don’t intimidate us menfolk like you all think you do. We’ve long heard tales of mythical men who have uttered the words, “I’m intimidated by you” when I’m pretty sure what he actually said was “You’re kind of an arsehole.”
The rest of the conversation went like this:
“You just can’t handle a strong Black woman.”
“Correction, I don’t want to deal with you.”
“You’re a weak punk.”
“You will die a lonely spinster.”
“Get yo’ sh*t! Get yo’ sh*t! And get out!”
*door slam*
Girl picks up phone and calls her BFF.
“Girl, I put him out. He was intimidated by my education, job, and all that I brought to the table. He said he couldn’t handle me!”
“Oh I know girl. I knew when you first started bringing him around he wasn’t sh*t. Ole veterinarian, six-figure ninja, WANTS kids and to be married and massage your feet, p*ss a** ninja! F*ck him girl.”
“Yeah, but girl, I’m 32…am I ever gonna find a decent man unlike these…”
Well you see where I”m going with this. And if you don’t, honeybadger don’t care. Honeybadger don’t give a sh*t. Thing is, while I don’t think that in general that men are intimidated by most of you all lovely, fine women out there (or at least not for the reasons you think), individually there are definitely certain types of women that might indeed intimidate some of us. And in the spirit of equality I figured that I’d do you all a solid after I just skewered whatever good will I had going from this week with that opening dialogue. So, I, Panama Jackson (my daddy ain’t Joe, my mama ain’t Catherine) will share with you a list of women that do, indeed, intimidate me.
By the way, we’re using the term intimidate in its Meriam-Webster defined state of to make timid or fearful. Initially though, because at some point, you either sh*t or get off the pot.
1. Women with pr0n star bodies or Serena Williams bodies
I can’t lie to you…I wouldn’t know what to do with a body like that. I see them. I ogle them. I appreciate from afar. But I can’t say that I’d want to actually truncate one of them fine stallions. I saw somebody make mention of this same phenomenon on Twitter or via a site (for the life of me I can’t remember where) and I nodded in agreement. What am I supposed to do with Cherokee D’A**??? She’d use me as a toothpick. I remember in college there was this rather unseemly girl with the body of a stripper/pr0n star that was trying to holler at me. Seeing as it was clearly going to be a toot it and boot it situation I figured what the hell. Except, I realized that I was afraid of her and what she might do to me. I like them more svelte. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a good motorboat, but I tend to enjoy a nice sailboat for the most part. With a fully stocked bar. Of crazy.
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2. Women who are TOO sexxy
Notice that my first two are women with extremely fertile crescents going on. There’s something about a woman who just looks like she’ll eat you for breakfast, spit you out, and then make you pay for it. I know a couple of women who are just too sexxy. The funny part is if you ask me if they’re hot, I’d tell you no, but they’re sexxy. Go figure. Plus I get the impression that a lot of these dames are the type that will rob you in your hotel room. Or at their house. Or at your house. Basically, its always the chicks who lure you in with their sex appeal who have you walking down the highway naked at 2am. Dog, I-85 is a LONG highway from Buckhead to Mechanicsville.
3. Amazingly beautiful, down to earth women
Let me tell you a story. In undergrad I remember meeting this one chick who was quite easily one of the baddest chicks on campus. At Spelman, this is no small feat. I expected her to be a dbag but it turns out she was as nice as pie. And funny. She completely disarmed me. Like even if I had 8 and 2 guns arms, she would have taken all of them sh*ts. I was puzzled, dumbfounded, and smitten. I must have had “does not compute” written all over my face. You know, in this instance intimidate might be the wrong word. I was just more bebuddled and taken aback. But I definitely clammed up a bit because she got me. On some if she was worried where I been, or who I saw or what club I been to with my homies…she ain’t have to worry cuz she knew that she got me.
4. Women who are a bit too loud
You can spot them a mile away. Mostly because you can hear them before you see them. My n*gga, I don’t care how banging she is, those women scare me. Those are the women who if they get mad at you feel inclined to let everybody within a 20 mile radius know. Naw, dunny, you can keep that public shaming to yourself. Let them chicks marry Mike Tyson.
So…who intimidates you?