Why Your Dating Standards Start with You

The Importance of Living Up to Your Own Standards

 

A year ago I read Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In. Although the book has received its fair share of criticism for its neoliberal feminist perspective (or as Bell Hooks puts it, “faux feminism”), I must admit there were bits of Sandberg’s insight that did resonate with me. One of the things that I remember taking into great consideration was her commentary on choosing a spouse and the impact that choice has on a woman’s professional trajectory. The exact quote reads, “The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry.” I remember reading the quote and thinking to myself, “hmm that is really true.” Since then, whenever I consider the attributes I want in a future spouse, his willingness to support my professional pursuits has become a significant factor. While I fully understand that relationships–especially marriage–require a lot of give and take, I don’t want a husband who expects my continuous support of his career to always be at the expense of mine. That being said, I began to think about Sandberg’s quote on marriage in relation to other things besides a critical career choice.

As I approach the age of twenty-five (the age I always imagined myself getting married, ha!) and get more serious about my approach to dating, I have been training myself to consider romance and relationships in a holistic way as opposed to focusing too much on one aspect. I want a man who not only compliments my personality, but who also compliments me professionally, idealistically and most importantly spiritually. Lately, the latter has been of paramount importance to me. While I understand that there is much more to relationships than seeing eye to eye on things regarding faith, I do believe it is one of the most critical things when it comes to having a well-balanced and successful relationship with someone.

Online dating has always been a complicated thing for me as Christian. I went through a phase of being so rigid that no man was ever “good enough” or “saved enough” for me to entertain. Then I went through a phase of entertaining guys I knew I had absolutely no business entertaining as a Christian woman or in general. Over the years I’ve struggled to find a balance between not getting caught up in being unequally yoked but also not depriving myself of learning experiences by buying into the lie that no one was “good enough” for me.  As I got older, my struggle seemed to always lean towards me ending up in “situationships” with men I didn’t need to be entertaining. In response to this struggle, I decided to make a list of non-negotiable expectations, or standards (a word that has become taboo for black women to use, but I used it). Some may argue that it’s not good to have a “list” of preferences or standards, but I do have one, and I’m not ashamed to say I do because my list isn’t unrealistic. It also wasn’t created with an arrogant intent to lambast or discredit men who don’t check off on all or any of them. From my past experiences and mistakes, I realized it was necessary for me to determine what things were non-negotiable for me. This list was created as a way to hold me accountable, so I had no one else to blame but myself if I got caught up in a “situation” or relationship that had zero potential to go anywhere or be beneficial to me in any way.

Recently, I took a look at my list and decided for the first time to see how I checked off on my own standards. While I did check off on most of them, when it came to some of my expectations in regard to my Christian walk, I must confess that I did not check off on all of them. This of course became very bothersome to me. I realized that here I was praying to God and making request for a certain caliber of man, when I myself wasn’t even living up to those standards. After reading my list, I had to ask myself why on earth would I expect God to bless me with the man I described in my list if I wasn’t reflective of that list myself. Needless to say, I’ve begun the necessary work to strengthen my areas of weakness. Although my initial reaction to my self-inventory was disappointment and frustration, I do give myself credit for being able to not only acknowledge my own spiritual shortcomings, but for being proactive about correcting them.

I believe one of the most critical choices you make in regard to your ministry as a Christian is who you marry. It is extremely important to me that I am in a relationship with a Christian man who can help to build me up spiritually and support my relationship with Christ and whatever He calls me to do. However, it is just as important to me that I can be the same source of strength to him. While I am more intent than ever before about making sure I only enter into a relationship with a man who compliments me spiritually, I have become even more focused and intent on being the woman who can offer exactly what I desire. I don’t want to be the stumbling block to any man and his Christian walk, his call to ministry, or his divine purpose. I want to be a woman who can be a source of strength and is supportive of her man’s purpose and calling. While I am still (unapologetically) holding fast to my list of standards, I have begun to place a lot more emphasis on making sure my own spiritual life, and walk is where it needs to be. I don’t want to be dependent on a man to help me do the things I know I need to be doing to sustain my own relationship with Christ and grow spiritually. While accountability is always a great thing, I need to be able to be whole and strong in my relationship with Christ on my own.

I strongly believe it is important for all of us, men and women, to know what we want from a relationship, especially if we’re looking for something long-term and substantial. It is important that we have some set of standards as we navigate the world of dating and courtship; however, we cannot be so caught up on having someone check off everything on our list that we fail to assess ourselves and what we bring or don’t bring to the table. We are all works-in-progress in some aspect of our lives, but the important thing is that we are indeed progressing, and not depending on someone else to do the work we need to do for ourselves.

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